Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You pole danced in your parka.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
