then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
