Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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