Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
