is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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