You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My feet surprised me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
