I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
