Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
