i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Randomize