i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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