you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
