I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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