I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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