he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
