She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
