i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
