bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
