You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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