Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
