she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
