Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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