You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
