she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
