It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My liver just had a heart attack.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
