Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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