We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
