never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dicks are not precious.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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