There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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