I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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