There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
