Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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