i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
