so that wasnt chicken after all
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
