and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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