wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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