I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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