Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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