Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
