I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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