your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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