What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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