perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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