my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He passed out mid-signature
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
