I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
