I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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