if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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