I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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