I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
