I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
