her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
