I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
