the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
honey bunches of taint.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
