oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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