i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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