So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
