do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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