I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
