Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Your dad touched me again.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
