Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
